Lilly's all girl

I hate being called a sinner!

In the recent days, I have realized that I abhor being called or referred to as a sinner. I hate if my husband points it out, it stings if leadership sees it in me, and I loath the realization in my own personal reflections when the word sinner comes up....
I actually think my entire Christian walk I have tried to live blameless, literally. I remember my first doctrinal conflict when I was 16. I had only been saved for about 4 months. Most new believers I have watched are reveling in God's amazing love, reading His word because they are hungry for truth. Although these things were happening, a greater motivation for me was to find out how to stop sinning. I remember a discussion I had with my step mom where she told me I would never not be a sinner in need of a savior. I was shocked. "You mean I could never get it right, never stop hurting Christ?". It took me months to swallow that fact, I almost decided to not believe all because of this...
What is so interesting is the recent education and teaching on depravity that I feel have been floating to the top of sermons, series, and topics discussed in my life; and my reaction is so negative because I really do NOT want to focus on my sinner-ness. I know the flaw of this...well, I am starting to…
In the recent months I have sinned so thoroughly, so ugly. In the past the minute I see any sin in my life, I dig down, way deep, in my own strength, and begin to reject the sin, to avoid it, to do every stinking thing in my power to STOP SINNING! If I see sin in myself, I say I go to God, but honestly I am realizing I go to my inners and command them to straighten up and fly right. But this time, I can't mustard up the strength.
Last night I received word that I had hurt someone that I absolutely hold in very high esteem from things I have said to others. I sat there stinging, feeling the weight of my words and my sin so sad and embarrassed of my choices and my sin against others especially this person. I also have been so mean to Shawn I will barely let him touch me for going on 2 weeks. I am angry AND sinning. I doubt God all day long; I am frustrated at everything and can not figure out why. At times I feel like I want to be swallowed up by some large mammal instead of face the fact that I AM A SINNER...
I hate even writing that. This time I can't make it right. I can't mustard up the strength to pull myself out of that Title. I don't know how to stop trying so hard to stop sinning. I have been referring to it as a “works mentality” but the truth is I just don’t ant to be called a sinner…this is my motivation for much of what I do. I want to rely on the "But the gift of God is" part instead of "wages of sin is death".
I’m asking for your forgiveness and your prayers. I am asking to be called a sinner even if I hate it because I long for God's propitiation and redemption in my whole parts, in the part that He is exposing right now. I want it so badly. Please forgive me for trying to be a non-sinner.
Thank you Pastor Aaron and Dana, Mel, Kendra, for loving me when I don't deserve your love, when I have hurt you, talked wrongly about you. You have and are proving to be like Christ in this towards me. I don't know how long I have been trying to be sinless but I hope I have gotten it all out of me and I really am ready to be rescued by the utmost highest power of redemption I know. I want to be a sinner in the hands of a mighty God. I just don’t know how because my whole Christian walk I have tried to avoid this….
I would like to go to the next encounter....a sinner.
Suzee